What Kind of Love Do You Need? "Love is Love"--Or Is It?

It's a subject that isn't as simple as it looks

Photo by Yoav Hornung on Unsplash

Can your love for pizza replace the love of your mom? Do you love your partner in the same way you love your dog?

I hope not.

The English language is extremely limited when it comes to conveying certain sentiments. Love can mean something profound and powerful in some references, but you can use it very flippantly just a moment later.

For example, saying “I love you” while kneeling on one knee proffering a ring to your partner isn’t the same as saying, “I wuv you, wittle wascal” to your pooch.

Do I need to say it?

I don’t say, “I love you” very often. It’s not because I’m a heartless monster who uses sarcasm as a defense mechanism. Well, at least that’s not the only reason.

When I tell someone I love them, the word holds a deep significance. I grew up in a family that didn’t show much physical affection. I also never recall hearing the phrase “I love you” from either of my parents until I was an adult.

As a result, I almost break down crying whenever I receive a heartfelt hug from a friend. I crave physical intimacy from a partner (and to give it), and I have no problem professing my love when I feel it authentically.

I don’t use “love” when referring to or speaking to my friends because I hold the word to such an incredibly high standard. I have only one friend I have such strong feelings for. She grew up in a similar environment, so we have the same feelings about displays and words of affection.

Having been deprived of the kind of love I feel I should’ve received as a child, I feel loneliness more significantly.

Your problem is…

I wrote an article called “What Some People Fail to See in a Queer Like Me.” I started it off with the phrase “Sometimes I feel lonely.” One person left a response giving suggestions on what he viewed as my “problem.”

He suggested finding someone in need — someone who struggles, perhaps, with mobility or one who’s going through cancer treatments. “Learn to cook what they can eat,” he suggested, or be there to listen if they don’t have a family to connect with.

It’s funny how some people look at an apparent problem and know exactly what you need to do to fix it. Men [especially straight men] are typically problem solvers. They listen to their wives relate a struggle they’re experiencing, and they need to fix it when all she wants to do is tell her partner about her feelings.

She doesn’t need a solution.

Many times, their attempt to fix things comes from a place of love or concern, but it may not be what’s needed at the time.

While I agree that helping someone in need is a good deed for anyone to do, it doesn’t exactly solve the “problem” of loneliness.

My sister once told me, “God is all you need,” but doesn’t the Bible say, “It’s not good for man to be alone”? How can you have it both ways?

People can offer you all kinds of solutions for handling loneliness. Those people typically have relationships and supportive families.

You don’t have friends? Go out and meet some!

You don’t have a partner? Go on a date!

Your family rejected you? Forget them! You don’t need them anyway.

It sounds simple.

Different types of love

The Ancient Greeks categorized love in different ways. They recognized the stark differences in these emotions. I suppose more modern writers became lazy and decided to lump them all together into the word love.

Helping someone in need fulfills an Agape type of love, which includes love for strangers. It involves performing altruistic acts, which make us feel good. Naturally, it benefits the recipient of your good deeds as well.

Agape is used frequently in Judeo-Christian religions. It’s sometimes referred to as “God’s love.” In religion, it’s a sacrificial love.

This Agape love has the potential to turn into Philia, or friendship, love. We’re social beings who need friendships. I go out and have fun with my friends, talk to them about my life, and bond in ways that I can’t with my family or others.

The problem is, I leave my friends and go home alone. I’m missing Eros.

Eros equates with romantic love. It’s the basis for the word erotic, but it wasn’t exclusively about sex originally.

It’s the love between life partners. Ideally, it starts with Philia (friendship), and the two types of love (hopefully) combine in the partnership.

Sometimes, I’ve settled for Ludus — uncommitted with no strings attached. How many of you can relate to seeking out sexual flings and going from one partner to another?

I discussed this in a podcast episode just last week. Dating apps like Grindr are infamous for encouraging hookups.

In many of these cases, what we’re seeking — without realizing it or admitting it — is Eros. A sexual tryst feels satisfying for the night, but the next day, we’re left wanting. Sex fulfills a short-lived passionate desire, many times mistaken for love.

I wrote a poem a while back that conveys this feeling:

Lie

Tell me that you want me,
I won’t ever ask why.
Tell me that you need me,
Even if it’s a lie.

Be with me and hold me,
If only for today.
Promise me forever,
Even if you go away.

Tell me that I’m lovely;
I don’t care if it’s true.
When I profess my love,
Whisper, “I love you, too.”

Tell me that my happiness,
Is more precious than your own.
Lie to me just one more time,
So I won’t die alone.

Sometimes believing a lie is more comforting than facing reality. It’s a cycle easy to fall into and difficult to break.

What kind of love do you need?

In the LGBTQ+ community, a great number of people are missing Storge. This is a familial love between parents and children.

The fortunate ones come out to their parents or family and experience the embrace of genuine love. Others lose what they thought they had. If they’re lucky, they find a surrogate family — one with fewer conditions.

If we’re honest, most of us would have to admit to having conditional love. “I’ll love you if you…”

• Love me in return

• Stop using drugs

• Come out of the closet

• Disown your family

• Renounce your religion

• Accept Jesus

• Aren’t gay

What conditions do you put on your love?

If you’ve experienced shame because of who you are, you also need Philautia, or self-love. If you’re gay, you may have learned at an early age that you were wrong for feeling the way you did or how you were born.

If no one else loved you, why should you love yourself? How could you? Self-love begins with self-acceptance. For many people, these are two major achievements with high hurdles to jump.

If you feel unfulfilled, look at these different types of love. Do you recognize one as something you’re missing? You may try to replace one with another, but it doesn’t work well.

I recommend beginning by looking at self-love. You’ll discover the other ones are easier to find afterward.

Some of us may seek out one or more of these categories of love and never find it. It’s a harsh reality of life for many people.

The good news is you don’t have to have sex to have Eros, and your biological family doesn’t have to be your Storge. It’s about the role a person fills and the type of bond they have with you.

If you don’t have Eros and you feel the void, I’m with you. I understand where you’re coming from.

You may feel lonely, but at least you’re not alone.

*Adapted from the original version, published on Medium

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